Starting from birth, feel vaguely confused and out of place.
Tracey Emin starts her memoir Strangeland with an anecdote from her birth: “At the moment of my birth into this world, I somehow felt a mistake had been made. I couldn’t scream or cry or argue my case. I just lay motionless, wishing I could go back to where I’d come from.”
I dreamed I was a dreamgirl running up and down running up and down I dreamed I kept composure I dreamed I held my own I did not speak and when I did it was not empty I welcomed the air on my teeth and the pang in my lower intestines I climbed the concrete staircase I watched in silence from twelve steps away
Under reign of dystopic melodies and optimistic lyrics Two Delusional hopefuls we swept under our wings and squeezed out our tears over over the years to make them grow Our saint-like protagonists Our best bet and last chance
INTERVIEW TOPICS: 'a strong feeling that I was living my own life, which I had chosen for myself' // being a writer in New York // refried beans and basement parties // writing from necessity // Frank O’Hara
I’m really interested in how people think about their home – which for this purpose I’ll define as the place where you most feel that you ‘belong’ or the place that you feel most ‘belongs’ to you. It seems like you’ve travelled and moved around a lot, what are some of the different cities you’ve lived in? Out of those places, does one feel more like home to you than another, or does it change a lot? Or do you reject that idea altogether? What’s the ideal type of place that you’d like to live in?
The cities I have lived in are York, Liverpool, Montreal, Toronto and briefly Baltimore.
Currently I am living somewhere very rural.
In a couple of months, I will move again.
I don’t know if I have ever felt a sense of belonging anywhere, geographically.
I do remember a particular morning in bed, in Brooklyn, when I felt like I was in the right place.
But I think that we could probably have been anywhere.
I can remember being in the ocean at various points in my life, and feeling like I wanted to stay there.
I can remember a specific Saturday in Toronto, when I knew that I didn’t have plans to see anybody until the evening, and I went to this second-hand bookstore in Parkdale which is owned by this cute, old couple, and I bought a book that I had ordered online, literally the night before, because I didn’t want to wait for delivery. And then I went to buy groceries at the shitty Price Chopper close to my apartment (I would almost always just eat rice and about 4 vegetables and drink cheap wine from the lcbo), and it was winter and completely unremarkable from any other Saturday, except that I had a strong feeling that I was living my own life, which I had chosen for myself.
When I think about home, it’s more like little moments with particular people, rather than, for example, the place where I grew up or the places I went to school. And I take comfort in the fact that I can carry around the same book or the same songs on my ipod and read or listen to them anywhere in the world, and they’ll always be exactly the same, wherever I am.
“My brother says men who are afraid of girls are gay, but Jason Miller isn’t gay. When I roll onto my back and see him staring at me, I also see a rise in his swim trunks. Last week, I saw him at the Skate & Bowl with some of his friends. He’s the best-looking of the bunch so you can imagine how ugly his friends are. They were all bowling and really getting into it like total fucking losers. I mean honestly, it’s bowling. My dad bowls. Bowling is the only thing that makes him happy but he’s old so he has an excuse. These guys are like 19 or 20 and bowling makes them happy. There’s no hope.”—Recommended Reading: Roxane Gay’s short story about a summer romance, "The Year I Learned Everything," at Rookie. (via millionsmillions)
1. Instagram has a new feature. When I want to tag someone in a photo, it asks me to, ‘Search for a person.’ When I hovered the tip of my finger over your face, it asked me, ‘Who’s this?’
It seemed funny.
2. At the self-service checkout, you needed ID to prove you were old enough. I watched from across the store as you stood still (in mild confusion) as the computer yelled out, ‘APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED. APPROVAL NEEDED’
3. I kissed your nose.
4. I keep writing these lists but there’s no real reason to number anything. I just saw someone do it some time and I liked the way it looked.
5. Yrs truly, the girl.
6. At the party you shouted, ‘Can you play ‘Trouble’ by Taylor Swift?’ and I watched the person with the laptop type, ‘Elliott Smith’ into YouTube and I had to explain that he had misheard you. I had to say, ‘Trust me, he wouldn’t say that, not now.’ I had to say, ‘Trust me, he wants Taylor Swift. We all do.’ And I felt like I saved us all from something unthinkable.
7. And it turns out I can only enjoy art galleries when they’re empty, I guess.
8. And it turns out everything I want to communicate through my art is contained in the 1997 Oasis song, ‘Stand By Me’
9. But what was the last novel I read though?
10. Rocket by Beyoncé
11. I didn’t realize I had driven home until I pulled into the driveway.
12. Internal dialogue.
13. ‘I am alive with you’ is fast becoming my new favorite Frank O’Hara line.
14. And the raindrops resting on the umbrellas, reflecting the Christmas lights on the tiny market street, with our 2 litre bottle of champagne and an open bag of chips.
15. It’s funny to think of us, oblivious to the future we have now lived.