Everything I’ve actually learned about life didn’t happen at college. It happened while forcing myself to drink coffee until I actually enjoyed the taste of coffee. Everything in my life goes back to dependency and the necessity that I must be alone to experience it.

I enjoyed performing for men online, men that I had never met in person. I liked the aspect of detached intimacy. I liked the aspect of seeming untouchable and ethereal. With older men, especially, I could feel the urgency with which they desired me. A young, attractive, girl that appeared to want nothing but them and in turn, they wanted nothing but her. I found the phenomenon empowering. This was my easy way out of the loneliness that I had become accustomed to.

I enjoyed performing for men online, men that I had never met in person. I liked the aspect of detached intimacy. I liked the aspect of seeming untouchable and ethereal. With older men, especially, I could feel the urgency with which they desired me. A young, attractive, girl that appeared to want nothing but them and in turn, they wanted nothing but her. I found the phenomenon empowering. This was my easy way out of the loneliness that I had become accustomed to. The loneliness sat with me, like a party guest that was a friend-of-a-friend who stayed long after the party was finished. It sat with me in my bed, where I lay facedown, wine-drunk and pensive. It rubbed my back in a way that was too familiar for a first encounter. Loneliness watched me as I slept and it remained in my bed when I woke up the next morning. And every morning.